Lost without Words…

I lay here wounded. Plagued by a poison that only the mind can produced. It spreads like cancer to a deep reaches of the soul, drinking it in a cup embellished in betrayal and sorrow. And as I drown in the blood that pools beneath me, I realize that I am alone. Though my comrades stand at the ready, there is nothing they can do to stop the anguish. As my eyes fade and darkness welcomes me, I cry for I now realize what is means to be mortally wounded.

I would be lying to you if I said that I hadn’t never felt pain and hurt before.

Not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual and mental sense. Over the years that have made up my life, I’ve gone through things that no child should have had to go through and I don’t regret those experiences because if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

However, last night something happened that shook the very core of my soul, wrapping is calloused hands about my wounded heart as if to wring it like a sponge of all its contents. It was like being on the battlefield, protecting those from home with my life and body only to be stab and betrayed by a comrade in arms. I don’t know how else to explain it but they say the best writing comes from your experience, so I’m going to give it you.

______________________________________________

We laid together, after a wonderful day of fun and sex with Eve now currently sitting on my lap. I had ran out earlier in the day to gather her presents of a Christmas that I could not afford at the time, buying a small outfit that I thought she would look nice in with a fitted engraved with her nickname on the cap. She looked happy even though she told I didn’t have to do it.

We arrived back at the house and I have a plan, a premature vision of how the day was going to go. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of weeks and I had been neglecting her on the phone, so I wanted to make up for that in a way she would love. And she loved sex. So I was going to give it to her.

I was never a person that was addicted the art of sex, probably because my brain was stuck in the clouds somewhere at the time when I should have caught on like everyone else. As if when the time came for all the birds to fly off, I was truly enjoying the wonders of the ground and figured I would eventually get to that. Friends and family had told me I was going to be addicted to the act when it happened like they was. Like I was never going to be able to go without it and I truly believed that I would be that way. Turns out they had call me wrong. They should have been betting on my girlfriend.

So being that I wasn’t into sex, this year I was going to try to let loose and give it all out try, just to see whether I could become like them or at least understand it better. Arriving in the room, she puts me off and shoot down my advances playfully and instead of jumping right in, we decide to catch up on the episodes of Magi that we hadn’t watched together.

Afterwards, I tackle her again and she playfully escapes only to run into one of my brother who was coming up the stairs.

“What the hell are ya doing?” Devon asked with his head peering through the doorway. With my distracted and giving my attention to him, she pulled from under me and escaped once more, running to his side and pointing. Well played, I thought but I am never without my counters.

“Devon! She won’t give me the but! I got her all the way over here and she’s playing coy! I’m starving man@ I haven’t ate in awhile and I’m hungry!”

Knowing exactly what I was about, Devon grins big and looked at Alecia who now is under the spotlight and can’t stop laughing out of embarrassment. “You denying this man! Don’t you know he hungry!?” Then he turns to me. “Take her man. Enjoy her! Don’t let her get away again!”

With the order issued, I leap into action with a new found resolve and she crumbles to my strength advances and wordplay, seducing her into an hour of pure lust. And it was good. Really good. I like pie. Pie is very good for the soul.

A hour later and we’re back up wrestling and playing about. She wanted to see two movies from GrindHouse, those two films done by Quentin Tarantino and I was done with the cause but I just recent brought a couple of new games that I had caught my interest (and the reason I haven’t been posting. Sorry!) and wanted to show them to her. So we go next door to pick them up from Colace and stop in the room to greet Adrian. We share some words and laugh off some jokes before going back to my room, where she kicked my ass in Persona 4 Arena.

Crushed, I pounced on the principle of losing and we go back to wrestling.

“So what are going to do when you drop me off?” She asked breathing hard.

“Probably go back to Monster Hunter with the bros, there are already doing missions without me and I’m falling behind.”

“Okay, that cool. Adrian should text me around time so I’ll be fine.”

Now, normally I wouldn’t have a problem with this and this statement wouldn’t have raised any flags. We all knew each other since high school before our relationship started and they spoke to each other on the phone from time to time, but it was already ten. What were they doing texting after hours? And I’m not the type of person that needs to know what your knowing every waking moment of the day but curiosity peaked on this.

Reason why, Eve had been asking some peculiar questions of the last couple of days. She asked my opinion on cheating and what did I consider cheating. How I would response or react in that type of situation and I answered honestly to the best of my ability. I told her that cheating is based off the person morals, standards, and how they value the action in itself. It can differ from person to person and can vary in response depending on how they found out and what actually happened.

Remembering this, I decided to see if I could play my hand and see if she would crack and let something slip.

“Oh really?” I started. I knew they were talking on the phone. I had no problem with that. But the question was what about. So I go to sit up on my bed and I notice that she moved to lay on stop of me, applying resistance.

“Where are you going?”

“Just going to get your phone. I wanna change your wallpaper.” This was something was a given. Our phones was always open to each other. Any conversation I had ever had with anyone could be read on my phone by anyone and for her it was the same. We told each other everything anyway and we had nothing to hide from each other. Our relationship was based off trust and until that trust was compromised, we never questioned what each other did. But tonight, I had feeling was different and she resisted against me sitting up again, I knew that feeling was correct.

“You know I don’t like you changing my wallpaper.” She countered.

“Awe… but I like to. And besides, I wanna know what you guys were talking about. I didn’t know ya was talking that late at night.” And that when it occurred to me that everything she had been asking me about for the last couple of days had a connection to his phone and what was in it. She had been trying to find a way to build up the courage to tell me on her own but needed to get as much information from me as possible before she did it.

What is it? What did she do? How did she do it? Who was it with?

The sea of thoughts began to churn with question too fast for me to grasp and the anxiety of it all was too much to quell. But the one thought that managed to distinguish itself from the rest was that it was with Adrian. My memory worked with the thought to recall what she had said earlier in our wrestling feat. She thought Adrian was staring at her for whatever reason. Then, I chalked up to her just being paranoid but now, it made sense. Whether he was staring or not, she thought he was. And that opened up a tidal wave of more questions that I could not answer. To point where I didn’t realize that she was talking to me.

“- I wanna be able to tell you on my own.”

“Tell me what?”

She was nervous. I could read it on her face. The way her eyes shifted all over the place, like she was visually trying to pick and choose from the phrases that appeared before her eyes only to realize that none of them would work. So I throw another bone.

“I can take a shot. Whatever it is you want to tell me concerns the contents on the phone. Whatever was said or done, you now morally in your heart that you messed up and you don’t know how I’m going to take it. What makes this ever harder is the fact that it involves Adrian.”

“Why would say that?” She hadn’t denied any of my claim so far, meaning all of it was true.

“You thought he was staring at you earlier and you were going to talk to him tonight through text messages while he would be playing monster hunter with me.” Sure, I lacked concrete evidence, but I had alot of bones if that would didn’t get caught.

It did.

She grew silence and laid done on me. I could feel her heart pounding against my chest and her body tremble in fear. Was it really that bad? What could she have done over the phone that could have scared her that way. I couldn’t allow myself to create of scenarios and possibilities, I would get mad at the thought of them. I had to remain calm and collected. It was the only way she would tell me and the only way I could deal with this. I had thought myself through self-exploration how to respond to situations and not react to them. Now was good enough to time to put that training to the test.

“Look, whatever it may be, I promise that I won’t make any rash judgements until after I know everything. I can’t guarantee that I won’t get mad, but I can promise that much.”

She nodded, realizing that my were truth. “Remember when I asked you about cheating? And we talked about it over the phone the other day?” I nodded, my chest tightening in anticipation. “And I asked about your relationship with Oriana and how much did ya share with each other?” I nodded again, recalling the talk. “Well, I told Adrian that he was one my closest friends, the first who had talked to me like a friend and not someone with motives. We started talking about stuff…” She drifted off.

My memory reminded me that they had occasionally talked about sex. We had joked about it all together as a group and had our own separate conversations about it with each other, but Eve and I would discuss what we talked about with others together afterwards at some point so they no suspicion. We were open to each other like that and it gave the bases for some good conversation. But she hadn’t told me this. I didn’t know she was talking to him about it and for whatever reason, until now, it was a secret.

“…and we kinda traded pictures…”

Wait what? I had went off in thought and missed something. “What?”

“I kinda sent him pictures and he sent me some.”

I couldn’t prepare for the blow. My fleshed began to boil and my felt myself trembling out of immediate anger. I was reacting to it. I needed to stop it. I didn’t know the situation and there is a reason behind everything. I needed to find that out first before I did anything.

“Of what?” I couldn’t keep my voice in check, it was crackling and the fear returned in her eyes.

“Of myself and he of himself.”

I didn’t understand. Like my mind didn’t want to fill in blanks, it wanted to cheat sheet for answers. I go to get up and she resist again, gripping the bed with her hands until her hands redden in stress.

“Let me up. I can’t think like this.”

She obliges and sit besides me. My mind is racing. Reasons as to why this ever happened in the first place was first but that didn’t matter and was dismissed. It happened. I cannot be changed now. And they willingly exchanged them. Being that there was something there, right? Did they like each other? Have feelings for each other? Love each other? How long had this been happening? When did it start? What was I doing?

How could they do this to me!? Behind my back!? And still treat me like they were!? Talking to me. Spending time with me. Fucking me. Laughing and joking with me while doing this behind my back!? I wouldn’t do this to them! I wouldn’t! My brother was talking to my girlfriend as if she was single and he was trying to get up on her. Displaying dick to her and telling how much he wanted to fuck her if he could. And even though she didn’t indulge in the bullshit, she was still following along with it. What the fuck!?

I can feel a pain in my chest like no other. Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t speak. My brain had done the damage. But I batted them. A deep breath soothed my soul and calmed my mind.

“You don’t have to say anything else. I don’t need to hear it. Whatever happened was in your phone and that will ultimately decide my decision. I have to read through it. All of it. But first I need to go outside.”

She didn’t even put up a fight and left moments later. I went outside and the anger tried again to surge in me as a my mind ran rampant. He was next door, laughing and playing around as if nothing happened. The thought caused a lapse and somehow I find myself in the kitchen, speaking with brothers about the coming event. I warn them of what could happen and ask them to take precautions for I fear I do not know how I’m going to react.

I return upstairs with resolve. I cam calm and willingly to see this through as I said I would. I ask for her phone and she gives it to me, I scroll through some of the messages about sex and see that as they are talking, Adrian is the one making the advances. She still goes along, but she does to indulge to the level that he was trying to induce on her.

I couldn’t read anymore and I react again. I go next door to see that he was already forewarned that I know. But he is still calm and collected. There is no fear on his face and he doesn’t seem to realize what he had done. It spikes once more but tears were conjured as he asks me to step outside. I remember that there are kids downstairs and I did not want to bring this drama to there doorstep. So I follow.

“Look man-”
“How could you!?” I shout.
“I know you’re-”
“I would have never done anything like this to you!”
“I wouldn’t do anything like this you! Never! Never! NEVER!” I’m screaming down, the tears pouring from my eyes.

I couldn’t see it in his face. The pain he had caused. The position he had put me in. I had know him for more than ten years. We had been through hell and back. Shared experiences, heartaches, and joyful times with each other. we had each other back and claimed to be brothers. He was one of the closest brothers I had. And you do this!? And act like is its not that bad!? It was that bad! But i suppressed the thoughts. I know what this could do to the group. I’m not allowed to go this route. There is a reasonable way to figure this all out.

We separate and I’m talking it over with others while some of them were talking to them. I come to the conclusion that I need to read it all. So upon returning, I go through the entire phone, reading everything slowly and when I’m done, I don’t feel hurt anymore. I can’t feel anything. My emotions when I try to search for them aren’t there. I can’t find them. How am I suppose to feel? What am I suppose to feel!? I cry for help to receive no answer.

I look at Eve and tell her she fucked up and I begin thinking as what chain reaction set this chain of events off. Closing my eyes, I recall the memories of us and I realize that I wasn’t doing my job as a boyfriend. I was distancing myself from her. I wasn’t talking to her as much. So she find another person who would listen. I wasn’t there for her when it she needed a friend to talk to when I was suppose to. She was over there lonely without anything to speak and her only source of that was me and I neglected her. I put her off. And in return, I was somewhere the blame of all of this.

I realize that my self-reflection and self-awareness had allowed me to thinking without emotions. TO be able to freely and openly see things for what they were and how they were from all angles. I look at her and sit her down. I tell her what felt. How I any have been the cause of this but it was no excuse for you to go this far. If that was the case, you should have broken up with me. She told me she was just talking to him and no feelings were harbored between the two but I still know otherwise. But she hadn’t had a friend she could talk about those things with. Outside of me. I creating reason, logical reason as to why it happened and as she explains it all I was right on the money.

I go next door, and I talk to him. The others hand told me that he had done it out of spite because of something that I did with one of his girlfriends, but I hadn’t done anything to this level and never anything intentionally. I might have cracked a wrong joke and so some awful things because me being brutally honest with people, but never like this. But I remember that everyone values on subjects are different and that something that I did could have propelled him into this.

he tell me that he was spiteful that he was human, things happened. And I can’t feel anything to go off once again. I feel nothing and with this new found ability, I tell it was fucked up. He was crying nearly just like I was. I knew what he did was wrong. It hurting him every time he thought about. And inside, something told me that was enough for me. They were both tormenting themselves for what they had done to me. And oddly, I felt that was enough. or so I thought.

I took her home and spoke with an outside brother about the issue. He thought like I did and opened me up to angles that I hadn’t thought of. He spoke to me like I would to anyone else and I needed that. He confirmed my believe that I had opened up the door to this to happen. I was the only boyfriend she had ever had or known so all she knew was me and when I started to get comfortable and stop showing her that I loved her, I allowed that door to open.

In a relationship, women are the most loyal creatures on the planet. When they give their heart to that person and they usually true to that. They want to feel loved and appreciate and know they even though you have them, you still want them and appreciate them. I stopped showing that. Its still no excuse for exchanging bodily photos and talking about having sex with each other, but they aren’t all to blame. I shoulder some of it.

I had only showed her one thing and she feel in love with me for that. I was her mount Everest and I stood taller than all the rest of them. But when I stop showing that, stop reinventing my love for her, I became smaller and when someone came around that showed her the same thing that I showed her when she fell in love with me, she moved towards that. Not to mention she was speaking to someone else about things she hadn’t only talked about with me. It was an outside opinion and anyone would be curious if you were in her shoes to a degree. But a line had been crossed.

He also warned me that my next decision will impact my life greatly. The chain reaction that this all off in the first place was now entering a turning point where it could continue down the same route, take another direction, or end here. He told me not to do anything rash or hasty because I had consider the impact of my choices. Did I want to ruin my seven year relationship over something like this or could I work through it and forgive her?

Did I want to end a friendship that was nearly eleven years in the making over something like this? And in my decision, how would the others be impacted. Where would it all go? How would everyone respond? And would it all end here if something like that would happen?

_______________________________________________-

But as I am writing this,, I began to cry. I realize that I was hurt over what happened. Honestly hurt. I hadn’t put my emotions in account for any of this and was still, thinking about the others around me and involve more than myself. I cried like I have never cried before. I stopped typing and even now, I’m crying as I realize just how big this situation is and what the impact could based off my future actions.

I realize that I’ve been putting others before myself this entire time, never once thinking about myself and what I wanted. How I felt. I always cared about people being happy and willingly sacrificed myself for the dream of happiness for everyone else around me. Never once thinking about myself.

Why do I feel wrong? Am I wrong for thinking about the security of my friendship and relationship over the feelings that are aching in my chest?

What am I suppose to do!? How can one bear so much weight on his shoulders? I’ve bee able to handle of my past situations with logic and reason but realizing now that my emotions were set aside to make those seemingly rightful decisions is like looking at a long shadow of someone that suppose to be me but isn’t me. I don’t recognize the form and I know not how to address it.

I can’t think anymore. It hurts. It hurts too much. (I apologize for any mistakes.)

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