A Forked Road

How can you tell if you truly love a person? Care for a person? Want to be with person and know you will be happy for the rest of your life? No matter what happened, you would be there for them as they would be there for you. How can you tell?

Strange, that people are so quick to let go of someone because of mistakes and bad choices as they aren’t human and aren’t allowed mess up. I mean, we screw up royally in all other areas of our life, what makes relationships so different or special? Is it because love is involved? Because we open our feelings up to a person with the trust that we would never be hurt? We bond with our significant other on a level that they should never hurt us?

Part of me believed that until I was hurt.

But now, I can’t listen to music without thinking about her. I see couples out and about or just people of the opposite sex talking, holding hands, laughing, or smiling and I envision us. Every love story I come across now, whether I’m reading or developing one in my head we are the cast members of the plot.

When I dream, I sometimes interact with a silhouette of her figure. My mind is fascinated and intrigued by the shadow and thus, I willing give myself to my abyssal succubus.

Is it wrong of me to say I would be upset if I ever saw her with someone else? A dash of pain striking the heart of someone else filled my shoes with her? The thought of it is maddening!

And even though I am in the process of trying to move on, I feel bad because all those that come after her will be judged with her as a goal or the ideal mate. Though she had her fair share of problems, I can’t help but express my love for her flaws and anyone else that brings something new to the table probably would be tolerated much. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m easy going and carefree… but there is only so much a person can take.)

My friends and family say I should move on. Others say that I should listen to my heart and do what I feel is best but the choice isn’t as clear cut as people make it seem. I’m torn between the option. It is not easy to tear about a six year relationship and just move on. And its not easy just to stop the feelings you have for that person at a whim.

Opposite of that, I do have a curiosity of the unknown though I may not have cared about it. Being in relationship, I was happy and content but I always have been a person to peek over the edge of the fence to see the side of things that I’m missing. I haven’t dated anyone outside my first relationship and though I have had friends, most of the faded as time progressed for their own reasons.

Dating sounds new and exciting. New experiences and new people to socialize with. I could use that right about now. Sad thing is, everyone really only thinks about sex and I can do without the emotional attachment that comes with it. I want friends to hang out with, joke around with, catch a movie, and it be understood that we are friends. Just coming out of a six year relationship doesn’t equal I want to go right back in one (Unless it is with her) and I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone because I’m not over my ex.

A decision will have to be made. I know I can’t just sit here and stare at the choices I could make. Eventually, one of them will close off to me. So until then, I’ll be here at my forked road.

( These were thoughts I had at work last night and I guess someone who read this might be able to give me some insight. )

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